Instead of going swimming this morning, I gave myself an extra hour in bed. Instead of my 15 minute walk to the office, I took the car (so much for "street walking as a therapy", etc etc). Instead of having only two biscuits with coffee for breakfast I had a huge Nutella sandwich. I also took a look at job advertisements and had the feeling I was going back in time to all those job-hunting moments in my life. At this stage, I cannot just take any administrative job in any company. My current employment has infinitely more sense. I should really only change it for something radically different that fits in with my nature.
The only opportunity I found appealing was "chamber-maid in a cozy hotel" somewhere along the southern Belgium-France border. Limited responsibility, a practical activity, the closeness of nature, anonymous job. My total lack of ambition has forever been mysterious to my parents, to my friends and to myself.
As a child, I wanted to be a detective or a library attendant. I used to cover all my books in transparent film and make an index card for each. My brother and sister would have to fill-in a card if they wanted to borrow a book. I also remember the interview with the Headmistress of a boarding school in England our parents had chosen for us. When she asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said without hesitation that I wanted to be a secretary. My ambitions had evolved at that time. My father's eyes widened and he said: "you mean you want to be secretary general of some institution, right?". Nope, I'm afraid that wasn't right. I just really wanted to be a secretary.
Faithful to that calling, when I finished school I enrolled in a secretarial college before even getting my final results. But when I got the marks of my final school exams and realised that they allowed me to access virtually any university I wanted, I thought I might as well study Politics, a subject I had enjoyed in the past. So for five years I studied at university and after a disastrous first round of exams (at that time I hung around with the worst students in our year), I made friends with the best students. Their attitude forced me (because I was lazy) to start studying well in advance of exams, which had the additional side-effect of leaving us a lot of time to play cards and do sport. I got pretty good marks all the way till the last year (my two university buddies got the all-round best marks of our year and received a special price for that). The subjects I excelled at were anthropology and geography, and any subject where it was about writing essays and doing research rather than memorizing data for an exam. I loved history and the evolution of social structures and ideas, but my lack of memory made it difficult for me to do well in exams.
Well, here goes a first round of self-examination to start looking for my dream job. The elements gathered so far are:
- laziness and lack of memory,
- no ambition
- desire to remain anonymous (ie no public speaking or spotlight jobs)
- need for natural surroundings
- interest in humanities
- enjoy research, writing and secretarial activities.
Wow, a real gem! Oh dear...
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Monday, 27 July 2009
Today is the first day of a new life
If I am to be happy and thus make other people happy, a lot has to change in my life.
First of all, my appearance. No need to look like a skinny top-model, but being the best version of myself seems like a fair enough deal. So, "only" 30 kgs to shed (for the anglosaxons out there, this would be 66 lbs). How? Easy! (hum hum...) Eating less and moving more. Well, I will just take little steps if I can't take large ones. For instance, today I managed not to eat all 4 biscuits in a package and ate only 2. The open package with the other 2 biscuits is just in front of me on my desk and you know what? I actualy do not feel like eating them. This is a humongous victory by my standards. And I also walked to the office. It is only a 15 minute walk, but I stopped to take pictures of flowers along the way and it was lovely.
In second place, my job. Let's face it, I don't like it. It is a wonderful job for someone else. But it is too intellectual for me, too vague and there is the horrible technical and fund-raising issues which are simply a drag. I am sticking to it for the moment, because I am still at least a little bit useful to my boss and to all those people out there who benefit from her knowledge. But I will slowly gear towards something I really like. As I do not know what job would really make me happy (I guess I don't know what colour my parachute is...), I will start doing more often the things I enjoy and take it from there.
Third, my character. Well, quite a bit of polish needed here and there. There is a bit of hot blood that has to cool down (especially while driving), patience to be acquired, and a lot of loving to do. Of myself, yes of course, but especially of others. It is probably not by chance that I am 37 and single. Perhaps I simply do not know how to love, or at least not enough.
Last but not least, my spiritual life. Quite clearly, the plants you do not water die. Faith IS a gift; no-one can spontaneously start believing in God. You could not reach faith by some intellectual effort or reasoning. I received the gift of faith and have been letting it die. The closer it is to completely dying, the unhappier I am. Although I rebel against a certain idea I have of God and of religion as hub of suffering, perpetual bad conscience and limitations, I have the intimate conviction that it is all but that, and I want to rediscover the loving God I used to know, which gave such meaning to my life.
There goes my little programme.
First of all, my appearance. No need to look like a skinny top-model, but being the best version of myself seems like a fair enough deal. So, "only" 30 kgs to shed (for the anglosaxons out there, this would be 66 lbs). How? Easy! (hum hum...) Eating less and moving more. Well, I will just take little steps if I can't take large ones. For instance, today I managed not to eat all 4 biscuits in a package and ate only 2. The open package with the other 2 biscuits is just in front of me on my desk and you know what? I actualy do not feel like eating them. This is a humongous victory by my standards. And I also walked to the office. It is only a 15 minute walk, but I stopped to take pictures of flowers along the way and it was lovely.
In second place, my job. Let's face it, I don't like it. It is a wonderful job for someone else. But it is too intellectual for me, too vague and there is the horrible technical and fund-raising issues which are simply a drag. I am sticking to it for the moment, because I am still at least a little bit useful to my boss and to all those people out there who benefit from her knowledge. But I will slowly gear towards something I really like. As I do not know what job would really make me happy (I guess I don't know what colour my parachute is...), I will start doing more often the things I enjoy and take it from there.
Third, my character. Well, quite a bit of polish needed here and there. There is a bit of hot blood that has to cool down (especially while driving), patience to be acquired, and a lot of loving to do. Of myself, yes of course, but especially of others. It is probably not by chance that I am 37 and single. Perhaps I simply do not know how to love, or at least not enough.
Last but not least, my spiritual life. Quite clearly, the plants you do not water die. Faith IS a gift; no-one can spontaneously start believing in God. You could not reach faith by some intellectual effort or reasoning. I received the gift of faith and have been letting it die. The closer it is to completely dying, the unhappier I am. Although I rebel against a certain idea I have of God and of religion as hub of suffering, perpetual bad conscience and limitations, I have the intimate conviction that it is all but that, and I want to rediscover the loving God I used to know, which gave such meaning to my life.
There goes my little programme.
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