Running experiment: not for me.

In september, I joined a special training programme for not-very-sporty-people who wanted to start jogging. The aim was to start from zero and progressively develop our muscles and endurance to end up running 10 kms after 3 months of training. I hugely enjoyed the group atmosphere: it was refreshing to meet new people and the trainer was charming. It was also fun to go back to a school-type activity where you are taken in charge and actually trained: warm-ups, personalised attention (I was made to buy firmer running shoes as I step "inward" when I run), and timed spans of walking, "trotting" and running.

When I applied for this training, I was asked whether I had run in the past, and I said that I had run a little and played a number of sports (this, in fact, was more than ten years ago, but I forgot to mention this detail). The organisers somehow got the impression that I was very sporty and were afraid I might be disappointed at the low level. Ha! Most people in my group were older (I am 38) and much fitter than I, and had run marathons in the past (wow!). The first 2 minute run was rather humiliating for me. I was exhausted at the end of it...

And so the weeks passed and I persevered, enjoying more the social aspect than the physical part. The longer the runs, the more the distance between my fellow runners and I grew. I was bitterly reminded of my poor performance in long-distance runs at school. It wasn't only as if my heart were about to explode, my knees were also extremely painful. So I eventually gave up: it is not cowardly to admit that our bodies are simply not made for a certain activity. I am much better at fast sports where short distances have to be covered very rapidly, such as badminton or squash.

I thought that running might help me to lose weight, but although this has probably worked for many people, it simply does not work for me. I have to move and keep very active, but I think it is a bad idea to create muscle when you are trying to lose body mass. First I will lose the weight through a strict diet. Then I will see what sports best contribute to keeping me fit. It will probably be just walking to the office and climbing up and down stairs as much as I can...

Four years and a sabbatical later

I forgot I had a blog... I forgot that four year ago I had written here a very precise account of my situation then. My insatisfaction, my quest for something "larger than life", my unhappiness at my physical appearance... What a joy it is to see that in these four years I have actually solved some of the things I was unhappy about then.

For starters, I left my job and took a sabbatical. But instead of spending a year in Yemen studying Arabic, and instead of learning a craft from an old master whose knowledge was about to be lost, I did something else: absolutely nothing. I stayed at home, I rested, I did exactly what I felt like, and conscientiously started spending my savings, as the unemployment allowance I received was insufficient. Somehow, this "doing nothing" did not feel like a waste of time:

• I saw friends I did not usually have time to see, especially married friends whom it was easier to catch during office hours, while their children were at school. Now that I had no job, I could adapt to their timetables.
• I was grateful to my sister for her kindness at a time when I was very low. So I took her on a trip to the Caribbean, one cold February. We spent a week together in the sun, on a deserted beach, walking, reading magazines, chatting, sunbathing, taking long swims, laughing when the strong waves tore our bikinis away, taking silly photos of each other and simply unwinding. Back home, the cold fingers of winter tried to make our muscles stiff again, but we were tanned and energetic, and the brightness of the Caribbean sun allowed us to sail smoothly and joyfully through that harsh winter.
• I contrasted my dreams with reality:
• First, I looked for an apprenticeship in some kind of craftsmanship. I visited artisan and garden fairs, and observed people at work: stone carving, making wicker baskets, pottery, upholstery, embroidery... None of them really appealed to me, as they all required patience, which I lack, or needed space (upholstery). Moreover, I had a clear idea in my mind of the kind of beautiful results I would expect to produce, and I knew that this would not be possible in a short period of time. So although I started doing more and more embroidery, producing rather nice bags and pouches, which I gave away, I eliminated rather easily the idea of pursuing a career in arts and crafts.
• Secondly, I explored the possibility of living in the country. The first, immediate question that arose was: yes, but where? I could not even decide on a country, as I have lived in several, all of which I love, and all of which offered sufficient family connexions or friends to be meaningful. I looked at houses in different places, visited many websites, and ended up wondering where on earth I was going to get the money to buy a house, and what on earth I was going to do alone in the country, knowing how much I hate spiders and mice, how difficult I find it to light even a simple fire, and how jumpy I am when I'm alone in a non-urban environment. So this idea was also set aside, with the relief that comes from realism. The truth is, I'd much rather stay in a comfortable hotel in wild places, walk in forests and gardens which I do not have to keep up myself, rent a nice cottage for a week and not worry about things that don't work.
• I volunteered to work with elderly people and with children. Although both experiences were wonderful, it was clear to me that they were both physically and emotionally exhausting, and that I would not want to make a living out of either. It did strike me that there was a niche for "nannies": most of my friends needed someone to pick-up their children from school, take them home, play with them, make sure they did their homework, bathe them, feed them and ensure they were calm and ready for bed when their parents came home from work. This was well paid and there was infinite demand for this kind of service.
• I volunteered for other activities: walking in the street one day I saw a sign on a window requesting Spanish translators for a small NGO working with Latin-America. I volunteered and this opened an entirely new window into the reality of orphans in need in Latin-America, and into the kindness of people in Europe who were generously contributing to their needs and writing affectionate letters to them. I also saw a call for volunteers from an association who organised concerts of folk and popular music: they invited artists from all over the world, and allways needed volunteers to pick them up form the airport and drive them around, prepare and serve their meals, sell tickets on concert nights, distribute posters and promotional material and contribute to the massive mailing they did once a month. They gathered together in order to put thousands of stickers on thousands of enveloppes, always in a warm and joyful atmosphere. I once had to prepare and serve dinner for a group of women singers from Uzbekistan. They didn't speak a single word of any language I knew, but they had such lovely faces, full of character and marked with their personal histories, that it was delightful just to be there and to listen to their singing, unlike any I had heard before.
• I lost weight: it was the right time, something clicked and made me willing and eager to take radical measures. When a friend told me that she had lost 15 kgs with a certain doctor, and she explained his method, I thought I might try. But without proper guidance and follow-up, it was too difficult. So I went to see the doctor. I had to take a train for one hour to get to him, and every single appointment with him cost 90€. He gave me very strict instructions and a couple of homeopathic supplements to make sure that I did not lack energy or nutrients. I had to completely eliminate from my diet all fats, sugars and carbohydrates, i.e. no pasta, no potatoes, no bread, crisps, pop-corn, buns of any kind, no fatty meats or fishes, no olive oil (alas!), or any other oil. I was allowed 500gr daily of fat-free dairy products (forget cheese), and one fruit per day (125gr, no more because of their high sugar content). And obviously no sweets, sugar, alcohol of any kind. All diets start at the supermarket: my shopping basket was full of vegetables, poultry, eggs, sea food. I had to invent all kings of tasty recipes with only the allowed ingredients and discovered the use of herbs and spices. I ate rather large quantities of the products I was allowed to eat, so there was no sense of hunger. In just over two months I had lost 12 kgs, and my old clothes fit again. I felt great and received many compliments. During the diet, when I lost a considerable amount of weight (only the doctor weighed me, every 3 weeks, I was not allowed to weigh myself in-between appointments), I was tempted to eat a chocolate or allow myself a treat. The Doctor insisted that the treat should be a new skirt or something like that, rather than more food.
• I travelled a little, going for short trips with different friends, discovering beautiful gardens and sceneries, going on trekks in the wilderness... such a pleasure!
• I was available for friends in need. The fact that I had so much time in my hands allowed me to be available for friends when they most needed me: accompanying someone to the hospital seems easy enough, but nobody usually has time to do it. One of my married friends was rather ill and was very weak for some time, and I helped a little, doing her shopping for her, and whetever she needed. I took friends to the airport, picked them up, organised outings, took care of their kids in case of emergency. This sense of availibility was wonderful. It felt like a real luxury to really have time and really be able to help. This was probably the most satisfactory aspect of my sabbatical year.
• I took language lessons: as part of the unemployment benefits, we were allowed free language courses (in a limited amount of languages). So I improved my German and also made new friends in the course.

Toward the end of my sabbatical, I started looking for a job again. Having eliminated the (for then) unrealistic dreams of a different life more related to nature, I had come to realise that I enjoyed working as a personal assistant and could always find work in that domain, but there were certain requirements:

• Having worked in a small structure, I realised that I needed to be part of a big organisation, with means and personnel. If I had a computer problem I didn't want to have to fix it myself (or find out how to) but rather call someone and ask them to fix it. And I wanted people, many people, the possibility to meet new colleagues, to learn from others who were more experienced than I.
• I wanted something international, where I could use my languages (including my improved German), and specifically european.

I decided to prepare for competitions to the European institutions, and dedicated part of my sabbatical time to this purpose, going to nice cafeterias (I found it difficult to work at home) where I did hundreds of test exercises. Two competitions came up during my sabbatical. I failed the first, but passed the second, which was for the lowest secretarial level in the EU hierarchy. This did not worry me, as I was looking for a job as an assistant anyway. Several months elapsed between the first and second tests of the competition, and it took me several more months to find a job in an institution once my name was on the so-called "reserve list". Not a process for those in a hurry.

As for the quest of something larger than life, I found it too. But this will be the subject of another article...

Searching for grandness

Mediocrity is not a fatality. I refuse to let it take hold of me, and yet... Saint Paul did say that our body often refuses to do the things our mind and heart are set on, and this is definitely my case. I want to move and be more active, I want to give back at least a tiny part of all that I have received. I want to be fit and lean, to be sober in my relation with food. I want to steer away from my current occupation and really try to find something that suits me, something I am passionate about.

I am still very much overweight, with particular emphasis on my breasts, which seem to have doubled in size in the last couple of months. New lines appear on my face every day (I wonder if the ones over my upper lip are due to my whistling when I am alone in the car), as well as some white hairs along the temples. And the skin under my chin has become soft and lazy. I have turned 38.

This is a great age. Nothing is written. It is not written that I will die alone, a fat couch potatoe. Perhaps, all the desires in my heart, my quest for a life full of meaning and grandness, will yet be satisfied. But this satisfaction will not come to me, I have to pursue it myself. It has to start with giving, and giving a lot, of myself. No more avoiding needy friends who place strenuous demands on my time and love. No more spending evening after evening watching films alone at home, even if I do sew a lot while I watch. I have to get out there and move. So many of my friends would love to do some sport and don't know what, when and how: I have ideas, I have to propose, invite, suggest, organise.

"Something that suits me": if only I knew what... Some activities I enjoy or dream about:

- Being an assistant to a National Geographic reporter, or a reporter myself. Well, perhaps not myself, as I am neither excellent at writing nor at taking photographs. And also, I am shy... Not very useful for someone who is supposed to be inquisitive. But I am a great assistant. Though of course, I do not see this kind of ad in job sites: "great national geographic reporter is looking for an assistant to accompany him/her in all his/her trips and adventures. No particular qualitfications required other than a love of nature, an interest in anthropology and a friendly attitude".

- Being a spy (no, this would involve lying and pretending to be someone else, and I would hate that), or a detective (this is probably less cool than it sounds) or a policewoman or investigator. I am good at finding out things or people, at solving mysteries. But could I make a living out of this? I think what I like is closer to the areas of research and study than to police work.

- Being a nature photographer. Well, one look at the fabulous "amateur" pictures on Flickr tells me that I would need to be a much better photographer than I am to make a living out of this.

- Activities involving children or young people. I also think I am gifted for relations with these two age groups. I would probably make a very good teacher, but unfortunately, I have nothing to teach. I also imagine myself as a some kind of cook in summer camps, or as a governess, or instructor. But perhaps I lack imagination for this kind of activity, and I certainly lack experience.

- Go back to being the executive or personal assistant to very busy and important men (I prefer working for men than women, for some reason). I have always been great at this job, and although I now hate the idea of getting ten different very busy agendas to match to get a date for a meeting, I mostly enjoy this job. But I am reluctant to settle for office life. This would be interesting if it were a combination of office work and practical work (in the past, I have enjoyed looking for good schools for my boss' children, sending flowers to ladies who invited him to a dinner party, fetching his huge BMW, writing letters to his old aunt, organising a dinner party at his place, fetching his children from school...)

- Take a sabbatical. I have never done this before and it sort of terrifies me. But people actually do take sabbaticals and it is not the end of their worlds... My idea of a sabbatical is to spend an entire year in a warm country, whether it be in Yemen studying arabic (I would love this), or in a poor African or Caribbean nation doing voluntary work, or simply learning a new occupation, ideally some artisan activity that is in danger of disappearing. I look for opportunities here and there, but this would be a major step and I am a bit lost as to how to go about it.

- Living in a mountain village somewhere in Europe, preferably in the Alps, and getting a regular job with lots of free time for long walks in the mountains.

- Joining the crew of some kind of ship that travels/sails around the world, though this is an unlikely occupation for a chubby sailor.

I have a trillion useless ideas like this, but all have something in common:
- not office work (or at least not exclusively) any more, practical activity
- closeness to nature
- need to feel the sun on my skin, my muscles working, my body alive
- usefulness, need to give as much as I can of my time and energy and capacity to love to a project that will help others.
- and of course: grandness. I feel in my heart the call for something larger than life, for noble characters and pure actions. I wish to feel and provoke the kind of admiration deserved by men who do grand, generous things. I am tired of the littleness, pettiness and dumbness of mass culture, of a social atmosphere where a single line of thought is imposed, where television erradicates our capacity to think, imagine and even feel. I cannot stand the isolation imposed on us by individualistic and selfish values, by a culture of individual rights. I am disgusted by the limitless possibilities that the "right to chose" supposedly offers, and by the incapacity (my incapacity) to chose one option for fear of losing all the other ones. I shamefully admit that I dispise those international administrators, experts and civil servants who sit behind their desks wondering how to best destroy everything that gives structure and meaning to our lives: God, family, authority, conscience, virtue, rules and even beauty.

Little success so far

Instead of going swimming this morning, I gave myself an extra hour in bed. Instead of my 15 minute walk to the office, I took the car (so much for "street walking as a therapy", etc etc). Instead of having only two biscuits with coffee for breakfast I had a huge Nutella sandwich. I also took a look at job advertisements and had the feeling I was going back in time to all those job-hunting moments in my life. At this stage, I cannot just take any administrative job in any company. My current employment has infinitely more sense. I should really only change it for something radically different that fits in with my nature.

The only opportunity I found appealing was "chamber-maid in a cozy hotel" somewhere along the southern Belgium-France border. Limited responsibility, a practical activity, the closeness of nature, anonymous job. My total lack of ambition has forever been mysterious to my parents, to my friends and to myself.

As a child, I wanted to be a detective or a library attendant. I used to cover all my books in transparent film and make an index card for each. My brother and sister would have to fill-in a card if they wanted to borrow a book. I also remember the interview with the Headmistress of a boarding school in England our parents had chosen for us. When she asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said without hesitation that I wanted to be a secretary. My ambitions had evolved at that time. My father's eyes widened and he said: "you mean you want to be secretary general of some institution, right?". Nope, I'm afraid that wasn't right. I just really wanted to be a secretary.

Faithful to that calling, when I finished school I enrolled in a secretarial college before even getting my final results. But when I got the marks of my final school exams and realised that they allowed me to access virtually any university I wanted, I thought I might as well study Politics, a subject I had enjoyed in the past. So for five years I studied at university and after a disastrous first round of exams (at that time I hung around with the worst students in our year), I made friends with the best students. Their attitude forced me (because I was lazy) to start studying well in advance of exams, which had the additional side-effect of leaving us a lot of time to play cards and do sport. I got pretty good marks all the way till the last year (my two university buddies got the all-round best marks of our year and received a special price for that). The subjects I excelled at were anthropology and geography, and any subject where it was about writing essays and doing research rather than memorizing data for an exam. I loved history and the evolution of social structures and ideas, but my lack of memory made it difficult for me to do well in exams.

Well, here goes a first round of self-examination to start looking for my dream job. The elements gathered so far are:

- laziness and lack of memory,
- no ambition
- desire to remain anonymous (ie no public speaking or spotlight jobs)
- need for natural surroundings
- interest in humanities
- enjoy research, writing and secretarial activities.

Wow, a real gem! Oh dear...

Today is the first day of a new life

If I am to be happy and thus make other people happy, a lot has to change in my life.

First of all, my appearance. No need to look like a skinny top-model, but being the best version of myself seems like a fair enough deal. So, "only" 30 kgs to shed (for the anglosaxons out there, this would be 66 lbs). How? Easy! (hum hum...) Eating less and moving more. Well, I will just take little steps if I can't take large ones. For instance, today I managed not to eat all 4 biscuits in a package and ate only 2. The open package with the other 2 biscuits is just in front of me on my desk and you know what? I actualy do not feel like eating them. This is a humongous victory by my standards. And I also walked to the office. It is only a 15 minute walk, but I stopped to take pictures of flowers along the way and it was lovely.

In second place, my job. Let's face it, I don't like it. It is a wonderful job for someone else. But it is too intellectual for me, too vague and there is the horrible technical and fund-raising issues which are simply a drag. I am sticking to it for the moment, because I am still at least a little bit useful to my boss and to all those people out there who benefit from her knowledge. But I will slowly gear towards something I really like. As I do not know what job would really make me happy (I guess I don't know what colour my parachute is...), I will start doing more often the things I enjoy and take it from there.

Third, my character. Well, quite a bit of polish needed here and there. There is a bit of hot blood that has to cool down (especially while driving), patience to be acquired, and a lot of loving to do. Of myself, yes of course, but especially of others. It is probably not by chance that I am 37 and single. Perhaps I simply do not know how to love, or at least not enough.

Last but not least, my spiritual life. Quite clearly, the plants you do not water die. Faith IS a gift; no-one can spontaneously start believing in God. You could not reach faith by some intellectual effort or reasoning. I received the gift of faith and have been letting it die. The closer it is to completely dying, the unhappier I am. Although I rebel against a certain idea I have of God and of religion as hub of suffering, perpetual bad conscience and limitations, I have the intimate conviction that it is all but that, and I want to rediscover the loving God I used to know, which gave such meaning to my life.

There goes my little programme.