Running experiment: not for me.

In september, I joined a special training programme for not-very-sporty-people who wanted to start jogging. The aim was to start from zero and progressively develop our muscles and endurance to end up running 10 kms after 3 months of training. I hugely enjoyed the group atmosphere: it was refreshing to meet new people and the trainer was charming. It was also fun to go back to a school-type activity where you are taken in charge and actually trained: warm-ups, personalised attention (I was made to buy firmer running shoes as I step "inward" when I run), and timed spans of walking, "trotting" and running.

When I applied for this training, I was asked whether I had run in the past, and I said that I had run a little and played a number of sports (this, in fact, was more than ten years ago, but I forgot to mention this detail). The organisers somehow got the impression that I was very sporty and were afraid I might be disappointed at the low level. Ha! Most people in my group were older (I am 38) and much fitter than I, and had run marathons in the past (wow!). The first 2 minute run was rather humiliating for me. I was exhausted at the end of it...

And so the weeks passed and I persevered, enjoying more the social aspect than the physical part. The longer the runs, the more the distance between my fellow runners and I grew. I was bitterly reminded of my poor performance in long-distance runs at school. It wasn't only as if my heart were about to explode, my knees were also extremely painful. So I eventually gave up: it is not cowardly to admit that our bodies are simply not made for a certain activity. I am much better at fast sports where short distances have to be covered very rapidly, such as badminton or squash.

I thought that running might help me to lose weight, but although this has probably worked for many people, it simply does not work for me. I have to move and keep very active, but I think it is a bad idea to create muscle when you are trying to lose body mass. First I will lose the weight through a strict diet. Then I will see what sports best contribute to keeping me fit. It will probably be just walking to the office and climbing up and down stairs as much as I can...

Four years and a sabbatical later

I forgot I had a blog... I forgot that four year ago I had written here a very precise account of my situation then. My insatisfaction, my quest for something "larger than life", my unhappiness at my physical appearance... What a joy it is to see that in these four years I have actually solved some of the things I was unhappy about then.

For starters, I left my job and took a sabbatical. But instead of spending a year in Yemen studying Arabic, and instead of learning a craft from an old master whose knowledge was about to be lost, I did something else: absolutely nothing. I stayed at home, I rested, I did exactly what I felt like, and conscientiously started spending my savings, as the unemployment allowance I received was insufficient. Somehow, this "doing nothing" did not feel like a waste of time:

• I saw friends I did not usually have time to see, especially married friends whom it was easier to catch during office hours, while their children were at school. Now that I had no job, I could adapt to their timetables.
• I was grateful to my sister for her kindness at a time when I was very low. So I took her on a trip to the Caribbean, one cold February. We spent a week together in the sun, on a deserted beach, walking, reading magazines, chatting, sunbathing, taking long swims, laughing when the strong waves tore our bikinis away, taking silly photos of each other and simply unwinding. Back home, the cold fingers of winter tried to make our muscles stiff again, but we were tanned and energetic, and the brightness of the Caribbean sun allowed us to sail smoothly and joyfully through that harsh winter.
• I contrasted my dreams with reality:
• First, I looked for an apprenticeship in some kind of craftsmanship. I visited artisan and garden fairs, and observed people at work: stone carving, making wicker baskets, pottery, upholstery, embroidery... None of them really appealed to me, as they all required patience, which I lack, or needed space (upholstery). Moreover, I had a clear idea in my mind of the kind of beautiful results I would expect to produce, and I knew that this would not be possible in a short period of time. So although I started doing more and more embroidery, producing rather nice bags and pouches, which I gave away, I eliminated rather easily the idea of pursuing a career in arts and crafts.
• Secondly, I explored the possibility of living in the country. The first, immediate question that arose was: yes, but where? I could not even decide on a country, as I have lived in several, all of which I love, and all of which offered sufficient family connexions or friends to be meaningful. I looked at houses in different places, visited many websites, and ended up wondering where on earth I was going to get the money to buy a house, and what on earth I was going to do alone in the country, knowing how much I hate spiders and mice, how difficult I find it to light even a simple fire, and how jumpy I am when I'm alone in a non-urban environment. So this idea was also set aside, with the relief that comes from realism. The truth is, I'd much rather stay in a comfortable hotel in wild places, walk in forests and gardens which I do not have to keep up myself, rent a nice cottage for a week and not worry about things that don't work.
• I volunteered to work with elderly people and with children. Although both experiences were wonderful, it was clear to me that they were both physically and emotionally exhausting, and that I would not want to make a living out of either. It did strike me that there was a niche for "nannies": most of my friends needed someone to pick-up their children from school, take them home, play with them, make sure they did their homework, bathe them, feed them and ensure they were calm and ready for bed when their parents came home from work. This was well paid and there was infinite demand for this kind of service.
• I volunteered for other activities: walking in the street one day I saw a sign on a window requesting Spanish translators for a small NGO working with Latin-America. I volunteered and this opened an entirely new window into the reality of orphans in need in Latin-America, and into the kindness of people in Europe who were generously contributing to their needs and writing affectionate letters to them. I also saw a call for volunteers from an association who organised concerts of folk and popular music: they invited artists from all over the world, and allways needed volunteers to pick them up form the airport and drive them around, prepare and serve their meals, sell tickets on concert nights, distribute posters and promotional material and contribute to the massive mailing they did once a month. They gathered together in order to put thousands of stickers on thousands of enveloppes, always in a warm and joyful atmosphere. I once had to prepare and serve dinner for a group of women singers from Uzbekistan. They didn't speak a single word of any language I knew, but they had such lovely faces, full of character and marked with their personal histories, that it was delightful just to be there and to listen to their singing, unlike any I had heard before.
• I lost weight: it was the right time, something clicked and made me willing and eager to take radical measures. When a friend told me that she had lost 15 kgs with a certain doctor, and she explained his method, I thought I might try. But without proper guidance and follow-up, it was too difficult. So I went to see the doctor. I had to take a train for one hour to get to him, and every single appointment with him cost 90€. He gave me very strict instructions and a couple of homeopathic supplements to make sure that I did not lack energy or nutrients. I had to completely eliminate from my diet all fats, sugars and carbohydrates, i.e. no pasta, no potatoes, no bread, crisps, pop-corn, buns of any kind, no fatty meats or fishes, no olive oil (alas!), or any other oil. I was allowed 500gr daily of fat-free dairy products (forget cheese), and one fruit per day (125gr, no more because of their high sugar content). And obviously no sweets, sugar, alcohol of any kind. All diets start at the supermarket: my shopping basket was full of vegetables, poultry, eggs, sea food. I had to invent all kings of tasty recipes with only the allowed ingredients and discovered the use of herbs and spices. I ate rather large quantities of the products I was allowed to eat, so there was no sense of hunger. In just over two months I had lost 12 kgs, and my old clothes fit again. I felt great and received many compliments. During the diet, when I lost a considerable amount of weight (only the doctor weighed me, every 3 weeks, I was not allowed to weigh myself in-between appointments), I was tempted to eat a chocolate or allow myself a treat. The Doctor insisted that the treat should be a new skirt or something like that, rather than more food.
• I travelled a little, going for short trips with different friends, discovering beautiful gardens and sceneries, going on trekks in the wilderness... such a pleasure!
• I was available for friends in need. The fact that I had so much time in my hands allowed me to be available for friends when they most needed me: accompanying someone to the hospital seems easy enough, but nobody usually has time to do it. One of my married friends was rather ill and was very weak for some time, and I helped a little, doing her shopping for her, and whetever she needed. I took friends to the airport, picked them up, organised outings, took care of their kids in case of emergency. This sense of availibility was wonderful. It felt like a real luxury to really have time and really be able to help. This was probably the most satisfactory aspect of my sabbatical year.
• I took language lessons: as part of the unemployment benefits, we were allowed free language courses (in a limited amount of languages). So I improved my German and also made new friends in the course.

Toward the end of my sabbatical, I started looking for a job again. Having eliminated the (for then) unrealistic dreams of a different life more related to nature, I had come to realise that I enjoyed working as a personal assistant and could always find work in that domain, but there were certain requirements:

• Having worked in a small structure, I realised that I needed to be part of a big organisation, with means and personnel. If I had a computer problem I didn't want to have to fix it myself (or find out how to) but rather call someone and ask them to fix it. And I wanted people, many people, the possibility to meet new colleagues, to learn from others who were more experienced than I.
• I wanted something international, where I could use my languages (including my improved German), and specifically european.

I decided to prepare for competitions to the European institutions, and dedicated part of my sabbatical time to this purpose, going to nice cafeterias (I found it difficult to work at home) where I did hundreds of test exercises. Two competitions came up during my sabbatical. I failed the first, but passed the second, which was for the lowest secretarial level in the EU hierarchy. This did not worry me, as I was looking for a job as an assistant anyway. Several months elapsed between the first and second tests of the competition, and it took me several more months to find a job in an institution once my name was on the so-called "reserve list". Not a process for those in a hurry.

As for the quest of something larger than life, I found it too. But this will be the subject of another article...